


my heart is disturbed by you

by NekoRuka



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Feels, M/M, OTP Feels, Sad, Slow Burn, rukiha, uruki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-03-15 02:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13604058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NekoRuka/pseuds/NekoRuka
Summary: Takanori thought that he had successfully managed to get over that man, forget him and the pain. Until he got a call from the hospital.





	1. Chapter 1

Takanori was looking at the man lying on the hospital bed. He looked so peaceful, with his hazel eyes closed and his full lips slightly parted. His hair was dark brown now; it had been honey blond the last time Takanori had laid eyes on him. But then again, many months had passed since then - both of them were different now.

A part of Takanori was wondering what he was doing there and wanted to leave. The room was starkingly, hauntingly white and smelled like antiseptic. And that man - that man was a dark part of his past, nothing more. Or, at least, he should be. Takanori had tried to get over him, to forget him; and yet...

The cause of Takanori's inner turmoil slowly opened his eyes. He took in his surroundings and then his gaze fell on the other man. He blinked as if he couldn't quite believe that the other was truly there. "T-Taka?" he questioned.

The shorter man pouted before he could control it - but that little thing seemed to convince the other that it was indeed him. "It's Takanori," he corrected irritably.

A small smile appeared on the beautiful face of Kouyou fucking Takashima. "What are you doing here?" he asked seriously.

What indeed. "I'm still on your emergency contact list," Takanori replied softly, still surprised by the fact. After so many months, he was still the person that should be called when something bad happened to Kouyou.

"Right," Kouyou said and cleared his throat.

Takanori remembered the Styrofoam cup the nurse had left. He held it out to the other man, extending the straw towards his plump lips to help him drink the cool water.

"Thank you," Kouyou said and he sounded so grateful that the younger man couldn't take it. "And I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess, I'm sorry you had to come here--"

"Why the fuck did you do it?"

Kouyou blinked at the interruption. He looked like a deer caught in the headlight, paralyzed, unable to move...almost scared.

"Well...do you know what day it is?"

Takanori nodded; he knew all too well. Today was supposed to be their anniversary. Today they should have been celebrating the third year of their relationship. Instead, Takanori had spent the greatest part of the day in bed, not wanting or feeling like doing anything at all; and Kouyou had done... _this_.

"You're stronger than me, Taka; you always have been. I...I guess I couldn't take it anymore."

Takanori's head snapped up so fast at the sound of those words that there was actually an audible crack. "You think I don't care?" he asked and he could feel his anger building up. "You think it doesn't still hurt me? You're the one who screwed up! I should hate you for what you did but I still think about you, about us, about what we could have been!"

The other man lowered his eyes and bit his bottom lip. Takanori expected him to yell too - he was used to that - but it never happened. Kouyou was just lying there, defeated, broken. Takanori would rather have his rage; the sight before him made him feel sad, guilty.

"You changed your hair," he commented, for lack of anything better to say.

Kouyou slowly looked at him, a part of him obviously expecting another explosion. "Yeah, so did you," he replied, looking at the loose blond waves with the dark roots. "I like it."

Takanori felt a small smile stretch his lips before he could stop it. Damn it, a small compliment like that shouldn't make him feel like this, like a blushing school girl with a crush on one of the popular guys. Especially not when it came from Kouyou. And yet, there he was, lightly touching his hair and feeling stupid butterflies in his stomach.

"So, um," he began awkwardly, "do you have anyone to take care of you, to keep you in check?"

He knew that he shouldn't care. It would actually be so much easier if there was someone there for Kouyou. But the truth of the matter was that he still was Kouyou's emergency contact - shouldn't that have changed if there was someone new in his life? And shouldn't Kouyou be spending the day with that someone instead of trying to kill himself?

However, a part of Takanori wanted to get a negative response. He wanted to know that Kouyou was hurting as he was hurting, that after breaking the younger man he was now broken himself.

"No..."

Takanori took a deep breath, remembering how happy they had been when they first moved in together. "Well then, you're staying with me." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter for so long, barely writing any paragraphs; but today I finally got some sudden inspiration and finished it.  
> I'm not really happy with it, but I hope you'll like it, even a little ^^"

Takanori regretted his decision. He regretted telling Kouyou to live with him until he was better. He regretted getting into a cab with Kouyou (which Kouyou insisted on paying for) with Kouyou's apartment as their destination.

But most of all, he regretted stepping inside Kouyou's apartment instead of just waiting outside. He remained standing in the living room as the older man walked around, grabbing whatever he would need. Takanori looked around, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. The place looked exactly the same and felt so welcoming and cozy.

He wasn't sure if drastic changes to the house would have been better or not.

He remembered all those nights that he would sit on that couch, watching movies with Kouyou, snuggling into him. He remembered how Kouyou would push him against that door and take his breath away with a passionate kiss after going out. He remembered the two of them having sex on the floor and his back or Kouyou's hurting afterwards but it was still so worth it.

He was actually glad when Kouyou re-emerged with a big backpack across his shoulders; his presence pulled Takanori out of his thoughts. Takanori looked at him questioningly, wondering if everything the taller man needed had actually fit in that backpack. Maybe it was Kouyou's way of saying that he wouldn't be a burden and that he would only stay for a little while.

The drive to Takanori's apartment was silent. The truth was that both of them felt really uncomfortable in all that quiet but none of them knew what to say in order to fill it. And as the taxi got closer and closer to their destination, they grew more and more aware of the fact that this was it - they were going to live together. Again. Kind of.

The good thing about the fact that Takanori had never officially moved in with Kouyou was that he simply returned to his own house after their break up. He used to hate that, the fact that his lover could not commit to him fully; but after things went downhill, he appreciated the practicality of not making Kouyou's apartment their home. Takanori hadn't needed to look for a new place to live in, and there had been no fights over who would keep things they'd bought together. They had simply each packed up their stuff from the other's apartment and paid a visit or two to one another for things that had remained behind.

Kouyou looked around as they entered. The place was clean and orderly, as was to be expected from Takanori Matsumoto the neat freak. There were certain new decorations and more books lining the bookshelves; but other than that, it was pretty much the same.

There was a small sad smile on Kouyou's beautiful face that Takanori did his best to ignore but failed miserably. This Kouyou was so different that there were times Takanori had to remind himself that it was the same man who had hurt him so deeply in the past.

"So, um," he finally broke the awkward silence, "I'll go change the sheets on the bed and get some stuff for me. Then I guess we could eat something--"

"Wait," Kouyou interrupted him gently, a little uncertainly. "What do you mean?"

The shorter man shrugged, not really sure what had confused the other. "Shouldn't we grab a bite?" he questioned. "I haven't had anything all day and, well, your stomach has been emptied..."

"No, no. I mean...where will you sleep?"

"Oh." Wasn't that obvious? "I'll take the couch. And you'll get the bed - you always said how you loved sleeping there..."

Takanori's voice trailed off as he remembered all those nights they had spent at his place. He was painfully reminded how, after all this time, his bed still felt empty without Kouyou in it, how his body felt cold and missing something vital without Kouyou's arms around it.

He cleared his throat and made his way to his room without a word. He changed the beddings and got his night clothes, a sheet, a spare pillow and a blanket for himself. He returned to the living room and found Kouyou exactly where he had left him. He placed the stuff he was carrying on the couch and turned to look at his guest.

Before he could say anything, Kouyou spoke first. "I think I'll go lie down now. Thank you for everything. Really."

Takanori watched as the other slowly walked away. When he heard the door close, he went to the kitchen and made a sandwich. He ate it with no appetite, barely even tasting it, wondering what would happen from now on.

He made another sandwich and carried the plate over to the bedroom. He carefully placed it on the floor and let the other man know about it. He waited for a few heartbeats but there was no reply.

After changing into the loοse T-shirt and sweatpants he wore for sleep, he decided to lie on the couch. He knew that he wouldn't get any sleep that night, but he didn't feel like turning on the TV or doing anything else.

A few hours later, he heard the bedroom door open and Kouyou retrieve the plate as quietly as possible before shutting himself inside the room again. Takanori was surprised to feel the corners of his mouth turn upwards into a small smile.

    


	3. Chapter 3

The first few days were, to put it simply, awkward. At least Kouyou did not spend the entirety of them locked into what was now his room and accepted Takanori's food - the little he could cook and takeaway. He slowly began to look a little healthier, less pale (though still quite pale since his complexion was naturally like this). He helped with the dishes but Takanori otherwise kept him away from the kitchen as he almost burned their food once.   
  
However, the fact remained that there were a lot of tense silences between them. They didn't really know what to talk about and they mostly watched television mindlessly, not paying that much attention to it but mostly as having something to do while they occupied the same room.   
  
Takanori wasn't sure if the fact that both of them were unemployed was good or not. Sure, that way he could easily check up on Kouyou, make sure that he didn't try to hurt himself; but that also meant that they were together all the time except for when he went out for groceries and other errands. Sleep was a relief because it meant that a few hours would pass without the two of them interacting.   
  
And then, one day over breakfast, Kouyou started asking the real questions. "How long will we be doing this?"  
  
Takanori slowly munched on his pancakes before he swallowed his bite, trying to give himself some time. "What do you mean?"  
  
Kouyou shrugged a shoulder, causing his shirt to slip a little and reveal a bit of creamy skin. "This," he said. "Me staying here, you taking care of me as if I'm something fragile that might break any moment."  
  
There was a bit of the old Kouyou making itself back, Takanori supposed. Not embarrassed, with an apologizing look on his face almost constantly; instead, determined, open, speaking things the way they were. Takanori couldn't help but wonder just how much more of the old Kouyou would return.   
  
"As long as it takes," was his vague reply.   
  
Kouyou shook his head. "I'm fine," he said. "You can't tell me you actually like this. It's tense, awkward; we don't know how to act around each other, how to treat each other. And that couch can't be comfortable."  
  
"So what do you suggest?"  
  
There was almost a smirk on Kouyou's beautiful face now. "Well, if you're not okay with me leaving just yet, at least come sleep on the bed? Sleeping on that couch can't be good for your back."  
  
Takanori took a sip of his water, knowing that he was stalling once again. "Then where will you sleep?" he played the naive, oblivious card.   
  
"On the bed. With you."  
  
Kouyou said it as if it was the easiest, most natural thing in the world. As if everything was great between them. As if they were still together.   
  
"Kouyou, I can't..." he said weakly.   
  
"I promise I won't ravish you." Yes, there was definitely that smug smirk there now.   
  
"Stop it," Takanori warned with a low voice, his fingers tight around his fork.   
  
"Or maybe you want me to ravish you? Is that why you keep me here? You've missed me? You want me again?"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
Takanori was on his feet, looking down at the older man for once. He was breathing heavily, anger coursing through his veins, burning him. "I decided to do something good, to help you after what you fucking did to yourself - and this is your gratitude? I let you stay in my house, eat my food, sleep in my bed and you think it's because I want you to fuck me again? Sometimes people are just nice, Kouyou. I know it's a foreign concept to you, but not everyone is a fucking asshole!"  
  
Kouyou didn't lash out. Instead, his smirk vanished and was replaced by a look of sadness. "You're right," he said softly. "I am an asshole for saying that...and for other things. I just...can't take it anymore, stuck in here, the two of us barely talking. I shouldn't have reacted like that but it got too much."  
  
Takanori took a deep breath and sat down again. He wasn't sure where this was going to go or even how he wanted things to play out.   
  
"I think I want to leave," Kouyou carried on.   
  
The younger man nodded. He supposed this was for the best. Kouyou seemed to be alright but staying at this place didn't seem to be doing him any good. It wasn't great for Takanori himself either, always standing on eggshells, too careful of how to act and what to say.   
  
In the end, he nodded. "Fine," he said. "Just...leave tomorrow. I want you to leave with a clear head and after you've thought this through completely."  
  
Kouyou bit his full lower lip. "Okay," he agreed and turned to his pancakes.   
  
  
***  
  
  
Takanori didn't manage to sleep that night. His brain was on overdrive, thinking, wondering. He knew that Kouyou would have to leave sooner or later. He should be relieved. But in truth, he was worried. Would the other be okay? Could he take care of himself? Was he really alright now or was he just pretending? Had that suicide attempt (which they never actually talked about) been a mistake, a reckless decision, a mindless action? Or would Kouyou attempt to take his own life again?   
  
And then there were Kouyou's words. Did a small part of Takanori want them to get back together? Did he still crave Kouyou's touch? Did he enjoy the fact that they were living together again in spite of the awkwardness?   
  
No. No way. The two of them in the same house was something familiar but not something that he wanted to have again. And yes Kouyou was beautiful - he always had been a stunning man and only someone blind or stupid could argue with that. However, Takanori most definitely did not want them to be a couple again.   
  
Not after everything that had happened.   
  
  
***  
  
  
When Kouyou got out of his room in the morning (had he managed to get some rest at least?) Takanori pretended to still be asleep. He heard Kouyou's footsteps, coming closer and closer to the couch. He covered Takanori with the blanket which had all but fallen down to the floor with his restlessness. His strong hands remained on the shorter man's shoulders for a while, gentle squeezing for a heartbeat or two.   
  
Then, with a sigh, he walked away. Takanori could hear him move around the kitchen but didn't dare open his eyes. It sounded like he was making something. Maybe breakfast for himself since his host was supposedly still sleeping?   
  
As if that wasn't surprising enough,  when Kouyou was done he didn't sit down to enjoy his meal. Instead, he got back into the bedroom.   
  
Takanori was burning to open his eyes, see what was going on and what the other was up to. Nevertheless, after their argument the previous morning and what they had agreed on, he wasn't ready to face his visitor just yet.   
  
Takanori could soon hear movement again but he wasn't sure what it could be - Kouyou was even more silent now, a quiet mystery moving around the apartment.   
  
Until Takanori heard the soft click of the door closing.   
  
He opened his eyes immediately. Had Kouyou just left? Takanori much doubted that he had gone out to buy some needed ingredients for their breakfast.   
  
He couldn't run after him right away. He shouldn't.   
  
He got up, not certain what he should do. He slowly walked towards the kitchen where he noticed that Kouyou had left an untouched bowl of rice.   
  
What was more interesting, though, was the note next to it.   
  
Takanori picked it up carefully as if it was something that could explode right in his face at any moment. He recognised Kouyou's handwriting, something that he hadn't seen in quite a while.   
  
_Taka, thank you for everything; but it's time for me to go. I've thought about it and it's the right thing to do. I am truly grateful and I will not bother you again. Be safe and happy._  
  
Takanori barely noticed that he was clutching the note a little too tightly in his hands. "It's Takanori, you idiot," he said softly to the empty apartment. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took a while... I think I like it, though, and I hope you will too ^^

He knew that he shouldn't do this. He shouldn't even consider it. Kouyou had left and he would be just fine on his own.  
  
It was foolish but Takanori had kept his note. He would look at it from time to time, sometimes not really reading the words but mostly focusing on he handwriting that he knew so well. And he would think about the man who had put those words to paper.  
  
With a deep breath he took his phone in his hand. The other man had most likely changed his number anyway, so no harm done.  
  
For some reason he had never deleted Kouyou from his contacts list. Tapping on the 'call' he wasn't sure if he was hoping that the other man had indeed changed his phone number or if he would pick up.  
  
And then Kouyou accepted his call.  
  
"Takanori?" he said questioningly, obviously surprised. Apparently the shorter man was still in his contacts too.  
  
"Um, hi," Takanori said lamely. Now that the other had picked up he wasn't quite sure how to proceed.  
  
"Everything okay?" Kouyou asked. He sounded concerned; Takanori had to admit that he was touched by that but he was the one who should be asking this.  
  
"Er, yeah, everything's fine. I just... I, um, just wanted to check if you're okay, you know."  
  
There was a short pause. "Yeah, I'm alright," he replied and Takanori could hear his smile in his voice. Stupid bastard.  
  
"Great. That's...great."  
  
There was another pause, longer this time. What was he supposed to do now? Say goodbye and hang up? Probably. And yet, he couldn't quite do that. He liked hearing Kouyou's voice, talking to him, even if it was awkward.  
  
"Listen, do you have any plans?" Kouyou broke the uncomfortable silence. "There's this restaurant I'd like to try, so I figured we might as well go together."  
  
Kouyou's words from their fight came back to him. Did he think that Takanori was trying to put him back into his life, give him a second chance?  
  
Was he? At this moment Takanori was so confused that he didn't really have an answer to this question. He didn't know what to do or how to act.  
  
"Just as friends," Kouyou added.  
  
Well, that cleared things up. "Sure," Takanori found himself saying.  
  
"Cool. I'll pick you up at 7?"  
  
Takanori bit his bottom lip. There was a part of him that wished this would be something more than just a friendly outing. And maybe because of that he ended up saying, "Just tell me where the place is, I can get there by myself."  
  
  
***  
  
  
Takanori knew that he had overdone it. They were just two people on kind of friendly terms meeting for dinner. And yet, he was wearing a black and red flannel shirt, skinny black jeans with discreet rips, low-heeled black ankle boots and rings. He had given more depth to this eyes with some eyeliner and made his pouty lips more irresistible with red lipstick. His naturally straight hair was styled in soft waves.  
  
He wasn't sure why he had decided to go out like that and why he had bothered to take so much time with his appreance. He did like looking good and putting an effort but this was more than the usual. Did he want to show Kouyou what he was missing? Did he want to prove to the other man that he was doing just fine without him? Or did he want to tempt and seduce Kouyou? Did he want Kouyou to find him beautiful again and say these words to him after so long?  
  
As he was approaching the restaurant he saw the taller man at the entrance. Kouyou had his head turned to the other side, so Takanori could take a good look at him without the other realizing. His hair was straight and shining. He was wearing a white shirt that clung to his skinny frame and skinny black jeans paired with black ankle boots. Damn, he looked great.  
  
When Takanori reached him, the taller man turned his head and looked at him. He appeared stunned as he looked at the shorter man, his eyes taking him all in. Takanori resisted the urge to bite his lower lip.  
  
"You look amazing," Kouyou said breathlessly.  
  
Don't fucking blush, he told himself. "Thanks, you too," he said simply. He noticed that Kouyou had left the top buttons of his shirt open, revealing part of his chest. Damn that bastard.  
  
"Well then, let's go," Kouyou suggested and held the door open for the other.  
  
Takanori glared at him. "I can open the door for myself," he said through gritted teeth. To be honest, he definitely didn't mind in the slightest when Kouyou did something like that while they were still dating, especially since most times Kouyou would grab or playfully smack his butt as he passed; but now it irritated him.  
  
Kouyou was taking this far too well. He was actually grinning and he asked teasingly, "Do you want me to close the door and let you open it yourself? Or should I walk in and then slam the door to your face?"  
  
Takanori huffed, deciding to be the better man and not call the grinning idiot any names. He walked in and felt the taller man follow him.  
  
The restaurant wasn't the luxurious and ridiculously overpriced sort; it was rather small, warm and cozy. They took their seats at a table; and even though there were other people around, Takanori felt like they were quite alone and in total privacy.  
  
Except when their waitress came over. She was smiling too brightly and lingered a bit longer than appropriate after she handed them their menus. Kouyou did not seem to pay any attention to it and focused on what he would have instead. He was probably looking at the alcoholic beverages, not really caring about the food. Damn bastard.  
  
When the waitress approached them again, she was positively beaming at the taller man. Takanori did not take it well at all. No, it was definitely not jealousy. He simply considered this behaviour to be extremely unprofessional. That was all. Why should he care if someone appreciated Kouyou's good looks? Kouyou could fuck her in the restroom before they left or something for all he cared.  
  
However, he couldn't deny that he felt a lot better when Kouyou not only barely spared a glance at her but was actually rather cold towards her as he gave his order.  
  
It should have been weird. They talked about the weather and the latest news for goodness' sake. And yet, somehow, Kouyou kept the conversation flowing, made it so easy.  
  
Takanori hadn't even realised how much time had passed but they had cleared their plates quite a while ago and were taking their leave. Kouyou let him open the door this time; when the shorter man looked at him there was that smirk again. Damn bastard.  
  
"So would you like a ride?" Kouyou suggested.  
  
Takanori looked at him. "Are you sure?" he asked. He wasn't sure if the question was directed to Kouyou or himself.  
  
"Yeah," the taller man replied casually. "It's no big deal and it's definitely better than taking the subway or a taxi."  
  
Well, the subway would most likely be packed at this hour. And, being a man with no steady income, a cab wasn't as appealing an idea as a free ride was.  
  
He shrugged, trying to appear as if he didn't really care anyway. As if he didn't care that he would be back on Kouyou's motorcycle after so long.  
  
They walked towards the older man's vehicle. It was big and black and Takanori knew that he liked to go for long rides on it sometimes, often to release the stress or relax. He let out a small sigh.  
  
"You're never going to switch to a car, are you? More mature or whatever?"  
  
Kouyou chuckled. "Pffft, as if. You know how much I love my bike. And I love riding it even though I stopped for a long time after..."  
  
Takanori watched him. All the mirth was gone out of him and he was looking down. The younger man could tell what the other was referring to; Kouyou had most likely not touched his motorcycle for quite some time after their breakup. Damn it, he shouldn't feel bad for him; it had all been his fault. And yet, there he was, longing to comfort the other with a hand in his cheek and empty words.  
  
Kouyou cleared his throat and looked up again. He seemed all bright and cheerful again and handed the other a helmet. "I only have the one," he said, "so let's hope I won't end up with my pretty face in a pulp or something."  
  
Takanori punched him playfully on the arm; and that clear sound of laughter made him feel elated and all buttery warm inside. Damn bastard, climbing on to his bike with a stupid smirk still on his beautiful face.  
  
Takanori hopped on behind him after wearing the helmet. And then he hesitated. He couldn't just let his arms fall limp on his sides. But he also couldn't touch the other man for one simple reason: he wanted to. He wanted to hold him, feel him; and that scared him and made him want to hit himself on the head.  
  
Kouyou did not make any move to start going, waiting for him to do something. Tentatively, Takanori placed his hands on the other's waist. He bit his bottom lip as he felt the craving to explore more.  
  
Kouyou grabbed his arms and wrapped them firmly around him, one hand landing on his chest and the other on his waist. "I'm not letting you fall," he said.  
  
  
***  
  
  
The ride to Takanori's house didn't take long but he could feel his hands burning all the way. At the same time, he wanted to let go and hang on tighter, no longer touch that familiar body and feel more of it.  
  
When they got off, Takanori took the helmet off and handed it to the other, trying to fix his hair and hoping that it wasn't too bad. "So, um, thanks--"  
  
"No."  
  
Takanori blinked. "What?"  
  
"I'm gonna walk you to the entrance."  
  
The shorter man blinked again. He'd end up developing a tic. "But it's right there."  
  
"Well, I wouldn't want any bad man to mistake you for a beautiful lady and take you away," the taller man joked. "Besides, I'm trying to be a gentleman here, don't ruin it for me."  
  
Takanori glared at him. This was a bit much and the whole lady thing wasn't funny. But, on the other hand, Kouyou had basically called him beautiful, right? And, he had to admit, the extra minute or two spent in the presence of the other was not a bad thing at all.  
  
"Fine," he said and started walking towards the entrance of the block of flats.  
  
Kouyou walked by his side, not saying anything. The shorter man stole a couple of sideways glances at him. Damn, he was beautiful. And this felt so much like a date; the glances and stares, the playfulness, the compliments, the ride home, this short walk towards the entrance of the building. It was like nothing bad had happened between them, as if they hadn't broken up because of Kouyou's behaviour, as if Kouyou hadn't tried to take his own life so long after their breakup.  
  
They reached their destination very shortly. They stood there, looking at each other. Takanori wasn't sure what to do. Just say goodnight and get inside? Probably the wisest thing. But his body would not comply.  
  
"This was nice," Kouyou commented.  
  
"Yeah," Takanori agreed lamely.  
  
Silence. Awkwardness. And then, Kouyou's face was coming closer to the shorter man's.  
  
He planted a soft kiss on his cheek. It was chaste and warm and sweet. Damn that bastard.  
  
When Kouyou pulled back slightly, Takanori had his hand on the back of his neck before he knew what he was doing and pulling him down into a kiss. There was nothing chaste about this one; it was hot, passionate, burning and oh so good. Kouyou wrapped his arms around the smaller man and pulled him closer, their tongues dancing together fiercely, their bodies almost one.  
  
Takanori let the other pin him to the door, letting out a soft moan that made Kouyou press harder into him. However, as Takanori felt a hand on his butt and full lips on his neck, his eyes snapped open.  
  
What was he doing? Right here, in the open? And with someone who had hurt him like that in the past?  
  
"Kou, wait," he said feebly and pushed the other away, not even registering the fact that he had used that old nickname and term of endearment again.  
  
To the older man's credit, he ceased his ministrations immediately and looked at the other questioningly and a little dazed after what they had just done. There was also affection in those eyes and it pained Takanori to see it.  
  
"I... I can't," he stammered. "We shouldn't."  
  
And now there was sadness all over the other's angelic face, and that hurt Takanori more. "You're right," he agreed. "I'm so sorry, Taka."  
  
And before Takanori could say anything, the taller was on his motorcycle, getting away from him, leaving him alone with his messed up feelings. 


	5. Chapter 5

Takanori felt...lost. It was as if someone else had control over his body, making him go through simple things such as eating, sleeping and the like.   
  
He kept thinking about that night. The fateful night when everything had seemed so perfect, as if nothing bad had ever happened between them. He kept remembering the kiss, Kouyou's luscious delicious lips against his, Kouyou's wet hot tongue dancing with his own. He kept remembering Kouyou's touch, Kouyou's body pressed against his.   
  
He couldn't escape even when he slept. He would dream about it, seeing everything so clearly as though it had only just happened.   
  
And sometimes his dreams would be more than just a replay of that night. In some dreams Takanori was more daring, touching the taller man in bolder places, his hand gripping Kouyou's butt firmly or rubbing against the other's clothed erection. Sometimes he saw the two of them dry humping, close to completion already. Takanori often woke up still hearing his slutty moans, breathing heavily and with a painful erection.   
  
And there were even a few dreams where things got even further. Where Takanori invited Kouyou to his apartment to finish what they started, unable to resist anymore. Sometimes Kouyou made slow, sweet love to him, showing his affection and feelings through sex. But in other dreams, Kouyou was rough and dominating, making Takanori cry out in both pain and pleasure, claiming the man as his own once again.   
  
Usually, after the second kind of dreams, Takanori would wake up and discover that he had come. And he hated that.   
  
He hated it because Kouyou's possessive behavior had often stepped over the line of being rational. He hated it because there had been times when the pain had been more than the pleasure and tears had run down Takanori's cheeks as Kouyou had pounded into him with force, manhandled him, marked him as his property.   
  
He felt weak and stupid, wanting to once again feel what had once upon a time broken him and their relationship. He wanted Kouyou to be rough with him, to make up for lost time not with gentleness but with pain. He wanted Kouyou to use him and have him any way he wished. He wanted to be Kouyou's whore.   
  
  
***  
  
  
Takanori spent his days hating himself and trying to forget. But the more he tried, the more his thoughts would turn back to Kouyou. And as a result, he hated himself even more.   
  
He knew that there was only one way he could get rid of his doubts and feelings. They had to talk things out.   
  
He grabbed his phone, ready to send a message to the man who plagued his mind day and night insistently. His fingers hovered over the screen, though. Should he make the first move, the first attempt at contact after a while? How would Kouyou feel if he saw a text from him? And would Takanori actually get closure or would he be either ignored or verbally attacked?   
  
He took a deep breath and took his chance.   
  
_We need to talk_.   
  
Short and simple. He left his phone next to him on the couch, patiently waiting.   
  
He shouldn't have expected Kouyou to reply to him immediately. But minutes passed; and soon minutes turned to hours. And still nothing.   
  
Takanori tried not to think too much of it. Maybe the other man was busy. Perhaps he was outside, having so much fun that he didn't even spare a glance at his phone.   
  
Takanori, however, kept checking his own phone. He tried to distract himself and focus on other things but nothing worked for long. Perhaps the other man had initially gone out for an early dinner and ended up hitting bar after bar and drinking - he did have quite some fondness for alcohol after all. Maybe he would only see the text the following morning.   
  
Takanori would either keep telling himself these things or he would try convincing himself that he didn't care anyway and Kouyou could do whatever he damn wished and not even ever answer him. And yet, he barely managed to get any sleep and his thoughts kept drifting to other man. Again.   
  
  
***  
  
Takanori woke up grumpy and tired. He checked his phone but there was still nothing.   
  
He went about his day as per usual even though there was still one thing on his mind. Kouyou was haunting him without even trying. By not replying, he managed to drive Takanori crazy and to a point where he could think of nothing else.   
  
He barely touched his lunch and couldn't even really taste it. Surely, no matter how bad his hangover, Kouyou must have woken up by now. And yet, he hadn't even bothered with a simple yes or no. Takanori let out a groan, convinced by this point that the other was giving him the cold shoulder.   
  
He knew that he should respect that. But he hated being ignored and he hated how fixated on the other man he had become. He needed to put an end to this and he knew that there was only one thing he could do now.   
  
  
***  
  
  
Takanori was walking down the hallway, ready to confront the other man. When he has first sent the text, he had been prepared to be civil and understanding, have a long and nice conversation with Kouyou where they expressed their feelings and decided how they would proceed. Now, however, all he felt was anger. Anger at the other man who had chosen to ignore him. But mostly anger at himself for having become so fixated and for being so bothered by this cold treatment.   
  
All anger seemed to evaporate, though, when he reached Kouyou's apartment. The door was slightly open and fear enveloped the shorter man at the sight. Had someone broken in? Had they hurt Kouyou?   
  
He slowly opened the door a little more and stepped inside. The place was alarmingly quiet. And yet nothing seemed to be out of place. No mess, things such as the tv and Kouyou's gaming consoles still there.   
  
Takanori gulped. What if something else had happened, something far worse? What if Kouyou had attempted to take his life again? If he was in the hospital, Takanori should have received a call again. But what if no one had found him? What if he was...dead?   
  
Takanori took a deep breath. "K-Kouyou?" he called. Damnit, he sounded so scared and small.   
  
There was no answer. Takanori started walking around the house, looking for the other man and still occasionally calling out his name. His voice came out less and less steady as he got no reply.   
  
And then he reached the bedroom. He saw a familiar body on the bed, curled up and unmoving. There were beer cans all over the place; dear God had he drunk himself to death?   
  
Takanori slowly walked towards the still form, his heart beating fast, dread building up. He softly sat on the bed, next to the body. He reached out a hand but found himself hesitating. He couldn't do it, he couldn't check for a pulse.   
  
"Kouyou?" he called one last time, desperately hoping that he'd get a reply this time.   
  
Takanori let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding when the other rolled around to the other side and blearily looked at him. He was alive, yes; but he looked paler than usual and thinner. What had he done to himself?   
  
"T-Taka?" he questioned.   
  
The shorter man nodded. "I'm here, Kou," he said, not noticing the pet name that escaped his lips in his worry and relief.   
  
Kouyou's smile pained the other so much that he could almost feel his heart shattering in a million pieces. What had happened to him all those days?   
  
He slowly sat up and it seemed to be an effort. There was a familiar glint in his hazel eyes that Takanori had no idea where it had come from or why.   
  
Until Kouyou threw himself at him.   
  
Kouyou loved drinking and he was the type of person that got horny after having a bit too much. It had been fun when they were still together, Takanori trying to open the door of this very apartment and Kouyou touching him everywhere, pressing himself against him; or Takanori trying to tuck him into bed and Kouyou trying to wrap his legs around him and kiss him until he ended up passing out with a goofy smile on his face.   
  
It was different now, though. This didn't seem to be the alcohol spurring him on. Kouyou's hands, clutching the shorter man's chest, were trembling. And he didn't seem to be in a playful mood. He seemed to need reassurance that Takanori really was there and that everything would be okay. He seemed to need love, to feel and be comforted by Takanori's touch.   
  
And as much as Takanori wanted to give in, he knew that he couldn't. Kouyou was extremely drunk and in a very bad emotional and mental state. As much as it pained him, Takanori softly but firmly pushed the other man away.   
  
He made the mistake to look into the other man's eyes. There was so much hurt there, sadness and rejection etched into his beautiful features. He looked like a kicked puppy, like a creature to be pitied.   
  
Takanori gasped at the sight. Damn everything, it broke his heart to see the other like this and he wanted to wrap his arms around him and tell him that everything would be alright. He wanted to protect the other from all the pain in this world but he knew that he was the one who was causing him all this pain to begin with.   
  
Kouyou threw himself at him once again, but this time it was different. Instead of wounding his arms around the shorter man's neck and trying to lock their lips together, he wrapped his arms around Takanori's waist and rested his head on the younger man's tummy.   
  
Takanori remained frozen, somehow not finding it in him to push the other away again. This felt...different. And he knew why in an instant.   
  
Kouyou began to tremble against him and Takanori knew that it had nothing to do with cold or the alcohol. He heard the other sniff softly as if he didn't want to be heard, as if he didn't want the other to understand what was going on.   
  
But Takanori understood; and guilt and sadness washed over him like painful waves. Kouyou was crying and silently sobbing in his arms and he knew that it was all his fault. Takanori was the reason why he had drunk so much, why he hadn't been taking care of himself, why he was hurting so much.   
  
"I love you," Kouyou mumbled against his stomach. "I always loved you and I hate myself for everything I've done."  
  
Takanori found himself enveloping the other man in his warm embrace. He couldn't let the other cry and say these things and not do anything. He truly believed that Kouyou was being honest with him - probably more honest now than he had ever been - but he also knew that now was not the time to talk about their past or what would happen next.   
  
"Shhh, it's okay," he said soothingly and stroked the older man's soft hair. "Go to sleep. We'll talk in the morning when you're better."  
  
Kouyou looked up at him, barely moving and holding on to him tighter as if to keep him in place. Sure enough, his eyes were wet and glistening and tears had left tracks down his cheeks. Takanori stroked his cheek, biting back a sob his own; Kouyou leaned into his hand but his eyes remained fixed on the other.   
  
"Do you promise?"  
  
Takanori nodded. "I promise." And damn him to hell, he meant it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to hate me after this :")  
> I'm honestly so nervous about this story, so comments are very much appreciated~♡


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me 7 months to update but I had no inspiration for this story T-T And then I woke up this morning and I had pretty much the whole chapter ready in my head as I was brushing my teeth X'3 
> 
> I don't think I'm very proud of it (maybe I should stick to one-shots :')) but I hope it will turn out to be worth the wait~

Takanori barely left the other's side. He sat on the bed, watching him sleep, ready if the other woke up and needed anything. He knew that he wouldn't get much sleep, if any; but then he found himself having dozed off against the headboard with his fingers curled against Kouyou's cheek. He had probably been caressing him, he realised, and shook his head to chase his sleepiness away.  
  
Not wanting to fall asleep again in case anything happened (and in case he ended up finding himself cuddled up next to the other instead), he proceeded to collect the beer cans and throw them in the garbage bin. He could deal with the trash later; right now he did not want to leave Kouyou's side for more than a few seconds.  
  
When aforementioned man finally awoke, his first reaction was to wince. Takanori had a glass of water and aspirin at the ready, handing them to the other.  
  
"T-Taka?" Kouyou questioned, squinting his eyes and holding his head.  
  
"Drink up."  
  
Kouyou did just that and looked at him as if he couldn't believe he was real. "You're actually here..." he said softly.  
  
He was, damn him. He nodded.  
  
"I thought it was just a dream."  
  
"What do you remember?" Takanori asked, not sure if he wanted the other to have forgotten everything or nothing at all.  
  
Kouyou pursed his lips. "I... I remember that you were holding me while I was crying. But everything is a blur..."  
  
He could just leave things the way they were, not say a word, not talk about the rest. And yet, he realised that he wanted the other to know what he had said. And he wanted to know if Kouyou had meant it. "You said that you love me, that you always did. And you're sorry for what you did."  
  
Kouyou looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He stammered. "I..." He fidgeted with his hands.  
  
And then he stormed off.  
  
Takanori left him in the bathroom by himself. He didn't think that going in and holding the other's hair back while he was vomiting was a good idea right now. He clearly needed a bit of space, a little time to come to terms with things. And that way, Takanori could keep himself busy with making breakfast.  
  
  
***  
  
  
Kouyou stepped inside the kitchen as the blond was putting the tamagoyaki he had prepared to two plates. Takanori didn't turn around to look at him until he was done and found him sitting in a chair looking like a man who had lost everything.  
  
He placed one plate in front of the brunet and seated himself opposite him. This was going to be yet another awkward breakfast. He couldn't help but think back to the times he was making their meal and Kouyou would hug him from behind and plant a soft kiss on his neck. Or kiss him more sensually while running his long-fingered hands all over his body. Or tickle him to the point that Takanori was laughing and squirming so much he couldn't cook.  
  
"Taka..." the brunet began hesitantly.  
  
"Eat first," the shorter man said nicely but firmly. "You need it."  
  
Kouyou complied but it was clear that he wanted to talk. And the blond would be lying if he said he didn't feel the same way. He had been thinking about the whole situation while the other was blissfully sleeping; he couldn't take the silence anymore.  
  
"I shouldn't have said anything," Kouyou said after he had cleared his plate.  
  
The words felt like a knife through Takanori's heart. So the other hadn't actually meant any of it.  
  
"I don't deserve you," the taller man carried on. "And I wouldn't have said anything. But...kissing you brought it all back and I thought that maybe we had a chance. And when you pushed me away, it broke me. I should have expected it. I should have known that you wouldn't want me, that you're over me. And I would have left you alone. I wouldn't reach out to you again. But then you were here and I was drunk and vulnerable and..."  
  
Kouyou stopped, looking down. It seemed that he was fighting back tears and the blond didn't know what to do. He hadn't seen the other as open as he was seeing him now. He wanted to comfort him but he wasn't sure if it was right, given their situation.  
  
"I was thinking about you a lot," he said. "And I wanted us to talk, that's why I came here... One part of me was so happy to hear you say these things; and I was hoping that you really meant them and it wasn't a drunk rambling. But the other part hurt. Because I've tried so hard to get over you, to put you behind me, and then you were saying these things..."  
  
He looked off into the distance. He was so confused, so lost.  
  
Kouyou looked at him and his hazel eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "Why did you kiss me?" he asked in a small voice.  
  
The blond sighed. "I wanted to. I wanted _you_. And everything seemed so perfect, so right... But then I remembered that you appeared ideal at first and then... You hurt me, Kou. If we were out and you saw someone look at me for a second longer, we'd come back here and you'd fuck me so hard that it hurt. And then you acted like it was nothing or you told me that you loved me; but I was aching and I was afraid. You were even jealous of my friends, yelling at me if I dared hang out with one of them. I counted myself lucky that you never hit me."  
  
"You were my first relationship," Kouyou admitted sadly. "I know this doesn't excuse how I treated you. But... The girls I had in high school and college? Either I broke it off when I realised how seriously they were seeing things or we were more chill about it. I didn't care if I saw them with someone else... And then there was you. I wanted to give you the world but also protect you from it. When someone looked at you, I was afraid they'd take you from me and I couldn't accept that. I was scared of losing you but I didn't want you to see me vulnerable like that. And my fear and insecurity turned into irrational jealousy and rage."  
  
"You could have trusted me, opened up to me," Takanori said and he was trying not to cry himself. "Just as you're doing right now."  
  
Kouyou sniffled. "I know... I know and I worked on myself after losing you. I wanted to become a better person. I saw the error of my ways, that I couldn't treat my partner like a thing, my property. But then I realised...I didn't deserve a happy and healthy relationship after what I had done to you."  
  
The blond blinked. "Is that why you tried to kill yourself? Because you think you don't deserve love and happiness after how you treated me?"  
  
Kouyou nodded and the tears were finally running down his cheeks. "Yes. And because I felt so bad about everything that I didn't think I deserved to live. And I... I missed you so much. I wanted you back and I hated myself for it because you deserve better."  
  
Takanori reached out and took his hand. "You're capable of love, Kou. You showed that to me time and again in your good moments. And you've clearly been beating yourself up for your bad moments, you're not the same person. You've changed and I could tell from that day in the hospital. I was just...too scared to admit it, too scared to give myself to you again."  
  
The blond waited for the other to look at him and confessed, "I love you."  
  
Kouyou gasped. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, clearly at a loss for words. Then he finally asked as if he couldn't quite believe it, "Y-you do?"  
  
The shorter man sighed, feeling both liberated and vulnerable. "I never stopped, not really. I tried to get over you. I focused on the bad things and grew to hate you. But then I would remember something good and I would realise that I was fooling myself. That, despite everything, my feelings for you weren't gone but simply buried."  
  
Kouyou hesitantly stroked his palm  with his thumb. The blond caught himself smiling slightly and relaxing.  
  
"What do you want to do now?" Kouyou asked gently. It was clear that he wasn't going to push him, that he would accept amd respect his decision no matter what it was.  
  
Takanori bit his bottom lip. "My brain is telling me to flee," he admitted, "warning me that it will be the same all over again. But my instinct...my heart is telling me that you changed, that you would never hurt me like that again... If we're going to do this, I want you to promise that you'll trust me like you do now. That you won't see me as a thing you own and can manhandle. That you'll talk to me about whatever is bothering you or scaring you. No relationship is perfect but we can do our best and work on it together. But...if you go back to your old ways, I'll be out of your life and you won't be able to find me again."  
  
Kouyou stood up and kneeled in front of him, holding his hand with both of his, his eyes bright and honest and still filled with tears. "I promise," he said, his voice breaking. "I love you, Taka. God, I love you so much."  
  
Takanori pulled the other to him and let him rest his head on his chest as he was holding him. The blond was crying too, stroking the other's soft hair as the brunet held on to him and trembled against him.  
  
When Kouyou was calmer, he looked up at him. "Can I kiss you?"  
  
The blond nodded, so touched, his heart beating faster in anticipation as he wiped away the tears of both of them. And then, they were leaning towards each other, their arms wrapped around one another, and their lips met in a tender kiss.  
  
And, after so long, Takanori's heart felt whole again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see Uruki (and more) cosplays and chat, feel free to follow me on Instagram @ruka.cos ^^"


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